Well I used to have 2 seperate blogs for Damien's life story the first one was in LJ and it was the first part of his life when he was brought into Darkside by Fangs Craven and the resulting adventures or nightmares that happened. Then I started this VOX account and started telling the second half of his story with his rebirth as a Vampire etc. Now I am going to just put the whole story here beginning to end. That way if you want you can know Damien as only a few people ever really did.
The Beginning
Nov. 18th 2006
Holy shit what have I gotten myself into? There I was walking around minding my own business when I was approached by this Goth God… At least that is the only way I can really describe him. He introduced himself as Fangs Craven and then proceeded to ask me if I would like to go back to his home and meet his family. Now I know that this sounds like some sort of bad horror film plot but since I am writing this, everything has so far worked out. The funny thing about it all though is that I never once felt worried, he totally put me at ease from the very first words.
When we arrived at his Home, if you call sprawling acres of land dominated by this complete Euro Gothic landscape a home. I mean he had a castle for christ sake, not to mention the rest of the buildings that surrounded it. When I stepped out of his car he said “Welcome to Darkside”, I was so out of my element that I didn’t even make a Star Wars joke.
There to meet us, as if they knew he was bringing home a stray was his “Family” Nigel and Kalia. Immediate first impressions, Nigel is HOT and Kalia stole my heart as soon as I looked at her. I can’t explain it any better. It was easy to tell that Fangs and Nigel were together, which left me wondering just exactly where Kalia fit into the whole thing. You could tell that she was not with either of them and that she did not play into that sort of thing either. Yet she was still the Alpha Female of the group, not that I saw anyone else there. So maybe there is hope for me after all.
Well I guess now would be a good time for a disclaimer of sorts so that you know exactly who I am and why the hell I am even writing this drivel. My name is Damien Legend; a 22yr old emotionally destroyed young man on a journey to discover who I am exactly. As you look at me you will try to stereotype me into those familiar categories of Emo, Goth, Punk kid, and sure I am a little of all of those but that is not all that I am. So please remember that as you hopefully read everything that I have to share.
Later That Night
So there I was staring at Kalia I’m sure, and barely listening to Nigel as he was talking and whatever else he was doing when Fangs told her to Give me the tour. She didn’t even bat an eye as she told me to follow her and follow I did, just like some little puppy dog. We walked all over the grounds, seeing everything from the Beach to the Church that he had built just for his family. It looked very catholic but I doubt that is the religion they follow. I wish that I could say I paid a lot of attention to what exactly I was being shown but then I would be lying. Mostly I just stared at Kalia and listened to her voice, while wishing that she would turn to me and say how she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. Sure I know what you all must be thinking, I just met her and I was already so enamored with her that I could hardly think straight. This is not going to turn out well at all. Once the tour was done I was turned loose so to speak and most likely completely forgotten about, because really what would people as beautiful as the three of them want with a freak like me. Although I got the feeling that I was welcome in Darkside so I plan to return often.
With reluctance I left there and headed off to see my only friend that was around now, (I will most likely get into all of that Drama later as well) Jaredian. He and I hung out for a while hitting some clubs and just chilling. After a few hours though I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I excused myself and headed back to Darkside for some un-chaperoned touring.
I was walking through the Castle looking at the rooms and all of the art etc when out of nowhere Nigel came upon me, scaring me shitless in the process and also getting me quite aroused too. If you must know I have been with a man before and no I am not Gay, not that I have any problems with that, hell Jare is Gay and one of my best friends. What that all prefaces though is that seeing Nigel has me entertaining thoughts that I have not had in years, and when I did what I did it was more experimentation that anything else really. He was making me drunk just looking at him I mean he is so YUMMY that even though I am not gay I would still do things and wish for things to be done to me by him.
I made such an effort to listen to him and not keep thinking about all the other things we could be doing instead, and he told me about the gift for Fangs he was working on and even had me look at it so he could get my opinion, and this was after not even knowing me a day. I was so honored by it all, even if once it was all said and done I still left him feeling a little disappointed that nothing happened.
Walking out of Darkside I let my mind wander back to Fangs and how he made me feel that very first meeting and that even though very few words were even spoken how at ease I was and still am just thinking about him. I wish I could summon the words to describe him but I just don’t think I have the adjectives to do him justice. I was already under some type of spell and I think that He knew it or was expecting something like it.
Jaredian
Kalia
Nigel
Nov. 19th 2006
I am already losing track of time, just by being around them. Even though I know that this is only my second day with them it feels as if I have been with them for years. I showed up early evening and they were all talking with this other girl who for the life of me I can’t remember her name, since I was distracted by Kalia (mmmmmmmmmmmm). It seems that they were planning on putting on a fireworks show and once Nigel showed up the party really got started. I spent most of the time though staring at Kalia and I think she may have even caught me, although all I noticed her do was smirk. That girl is so beautiful and I could be devoured by her Body and Soul, I would gladly die for her if that is what it took. Damn listen to me I sound like some second rate Loon out to stalk someone… Lets not jump to conclusions though people, I know my boundaries and what not, and I would never do anything to possibly upset her in any way.
When it was all over though is when things got interesting for me and I almost let my mouth overload my ass and get me into trouble. You see Fangs started asking me some questions etc, and I’m not sure but I think that some of my answers were not to his liking because he started to question my sincerity and make assumptions that I might be playing them all or some such thing. Now considering that I have only known them all for 2 days this started to really get under my skin and I mouthed off. No One and I mean No One says shit like that to me. Comments like that Really PISS ME OFF and I let them know it.
I almost blew it with them to, but Fangs quickly put me back in my place and he then preceded to place me in the care of Nigel and Kalia as their slave, that’s right folks I said slave. I have no idea what it will entail but I have 2 months to figure it out or something like that before I am told if I will be able to stay.
Nov. 20th 2006
So we went out shopping for slave gear, you know a collar, leash, etc… And I spent time getting used to it. Then I was set free for the evening, so I headed off to see Jare. We hit up this club he frequents Club Industry and we danced for a few hours. It was fun but I was already missing Kalia and Darkside so I called it an early evening and headed back to what I already considered home. I was all alone so I hit up the area where the Fireworks were set off and started listening to music while dancing by myself and just relaxing in a way that I had not done in quite some time. While I was in my own little world Kalia showed up and had to have been watching me for a few minutes before letting me know she was there. At least that is what I will tell myself. She walked out wearing this full length Red Strapless off the shoulder dress, letting me know that she had just returned from a party that The Family had attended. I know she did it just to tempt me into trouble, whether she would ever admit to it or not. We even talked a bit before I had to leave, (even though I am a slave it seems that my personal life is still my own) Unfortunately Fangs and Nigel never showed but I did get a hug out of it all, or at least I think I did.
Before I left though she asked that I write her a letter about how she makes me feel. This is what I will give to her.
Kalia,
I feel completely inadequate in my ability to describe what it is that you do to me. So I will start off with this.
Even though I have barely talked to you, you dominate my thoughts like no one else has ever done. You have overwhelmed my senses and made it so all I want to do is see you. I don’t have the words to describe how incredibly beautiful you are or how much I want you and to be wanted in turn by you. I want to be devoured by you BODY, HEART, and SOUL. I would willingly give you everything because you already have that much power over me. I am helpless when you are around.
Now I know that that is a strange thing to say considering the brief amount of time that we have know each other and so far all I have gotten is the tour of Darkside form you and a few words since then, but when I am not in Darkside with you, Nigel or Fangs, you are never far from my thoughts. I would be amazed if you did not feel the intensity of my feelings for you every time that I am near. I am completely dominated by you and yet you have done nothing but offer me friendship.
Last night in your “Party Outfit” as you called it all I can say is that you were breathtaking, the few words that I may have said to you don’t even come close to the true feelings I was quietly enduring. You are my Mistress now and I wish to please you, yet I can’t help wishing for more. I hope that my honest has not offended you.
Yours Forever
Damien
Nov. 21st 2006
So I gave her the letter earlier and then I went out shopping, when I returned, I guess she showed Nigel the letter because he had an assignment for me. He wants me to write a 500 word minimum essay on what being a Slave means to me. Which all started with the question being posed “Why did I want to be their Slave”. So I really had to sit and think about it since I had never been a slave, I needed to find out just what it is that I wanted from all of this not to mention what it is that they want. If I am too afraid to really look at myself then how are they ever going to see past my fears to want to keep me? So after some soul searching this is what I have.
Allow me the strength to answer questions I can't fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know Their needs.
Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts.
Allow me the serenity to serve Them in peace.
Allow me the love to show Them myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Them.
Allow me the light to show us the way.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Them.
Let me be able to show Them each day my love of my service to Them.
Let me open myself up to completely belong to Them.
Let my eyes show Them the same respect; no matter if I am sitting at Their side, or kneeling at Their feet.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a man.
Let me learn to please Them, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Them completely.
Give me the strength to please us all.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Them.
Allow me the peace of serving Them.
For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make their lives as complete, as they make mine.
This is my affirmation to myself as I step into this with you my Masters and Mistress. To this date Master I have never really thought what it meant to Me to be a slave, sure I know that I am to do as I am told. I know the words and the actions. I know that I can please, and in doing so I will find pleasure also.
What does it MEAN to me though to be a SLAVE? Truth be told Master, I am a very insecure person; I am very intimidated by the three of you. I know that I might not show it but that is because of years of hiding behind the façade that I have created for myself. I have more than just the scars on my arms keeping me from opening myself completely. There is a lot of Pain and Rage within me and it is my dearest wish/secret hope that by submitting to you Three fully I will be stripped of both of them and be reborn.
I am hoping that by doing this I will be able to step out of myself and become something more. Being a slave for me is letting myself allow things that I have no control over. By giving myself completely to the Three of you I am hoping to be able to conquer my fears of rejection, loss, abandonment, and loneliness.
By giving away my control I hope to be able to better understand who I am and to become a more complete person in the process.
I know that it might seem strange that I feel as if I will be more complete by being a Slave but it is what I feel deep inside.
I am not submissive by nature, and my mouth can get me into trouble as you have already seen just before I was allowed this trial period with you Three. As soon as I saw all of you I knew more than anything that without you I would never be anything but the Shell that you saw when I first walked into Darkside with F.
I know that I have a lot to learn and a lot will need to be taught, I am willing and able to do this. Given the chance I will show all of you that I am a Good Slave, and later if permitted a better friend and companion…
Damien Legend
Nov. 22nd 2006
I gave him the letter earlier in the evening then proceeded to show off some of my new clothes. After the show and tell Fangs asked me how everything was going, then we talked about (or more like he could sense) my growing feelings for Kalia and the role of Slave that I have chosen. You see the problem is that I have a very romantic heart and what I call a Knight in Shining Armor complex. Meaning no disrespect to my Mistress but there are times when I can feel her sadness and it tears me up inside, I just want to take her in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be all right but that is not my place.
We talked about this in great detail, which just reinforces the feelings I already had for him. He is such a beautiful man who listens with his heart and knows exactly what his Family needs. Perhaps that is why I seem to spend more time with Kalia then I do with Nigel.
Later
My training really began in earnest once all of the conversations were done. I was taken into their “Dungeon” where Fangs chained me up and preceded to “TEACH” me. I came to find out that it was also a training session for Kalia as well. I will skip the details as they are only for my memories; I refuse to allow this to turn into some sort of porn blog just for you all. During the training session though I was beginning to sense that Kalia was not all that into it and that she seemed bothered by something. Foolishly though I asked her what was wrong.
Not foolish on my part really but definitely not the right time to be asking something like that. She was less than pleased to have her Slave read her so easily, although I could have been wrong in what I saw.
Isn’t that what I should be doing though, as a good slave; read and understand her actions so that way I can be sure to please her better, anticipate her needs and respond accordingly. Unfortunately I guess I was wrong because after I asked the training got rougher. I even started to get a little scared towards the end.
Once it ended though she and I talked and she even asked me what I wanted. I don’t remember verbatim what it is that I said but I know that I told her I wanted to be her Knight in shining Armor and more. What I didn’t say though was that I wanted to be able to complete her as I feel she has completed me.
Perhaps she feels it, I don’t really know but the one thing I do know is what I told Fangs earlier. I want to ear the right to be with her as her companion and not her slave. I know that I have a long way to go before that can happen but with their help I will hopefully become that man and more. If not then I hope that I amuse them enough for them to keep me around anyways.
Oh and just so you know this is how I look now collar and all.
Special effects by Kalia… I look so goth now, even if this particular picture doesn’t show it. The funny thing though is how Fangs and Nigel are now starting to call me Kalia Lite as if she is trying to make me over in her image or something. Ok so the Hair color is kinda like hers and I am wearing Green contacts now that are very close to her eye color but I am still me and I like how I look. Hell I picked out all my piercings and makeup choices not to mention all my Tat work which is one of a kind… Sheesh listen to me whine. I am done for the night cya all later…
Nov. 23rd 2006
Well I’m scared now, Fangs has said that he wants to talk to me; I can only imagine that it has something to do with the session from last night. I must have really messed up with Kalia, maybe she told Fangs to just get rid of me. Maybe I really suck at being a Slave, who knows… What I do know though is if I am cast out already then I may just have to finish what I started so many times before, at least this time Daniel won’t be around to stop me. For those of you wondering, Daniel is my brother, he and I are not close at the moment and I am not even sure where he is. We have not spoken in a few years actually. I will get into all of that later trust me. Right now though I have to go see Fangs and hopefully take it like a man, I doubt that breaking down in front of him would help my chances of staying.
Later
Have you ever felt like the whole world has just dropped out from under you? Well that is where I am at now; my life is in turmoil once again. Fangs and I talked again about my being a slave and how I guess Kalia feels about it etc. I think they talked after the whole training session and maybe what she had to say was not very flattering, I just don’t know. Maybe he could see how unhappy I was truly becoming or he was afraid that the spark or whatever it is he saw in me was being extinguished. Well maybe afraid is a bit harsh; I don’t think he is ever afraid. What I do know is I am no longer a slave, or should I say I am no longer their slave. I know that my heart is still enslaved to Kalia and it will be forever. Now though I get to be me without all the Master stuff, I feel so different now even though I was really only a slave for a few days I really went for it.
When we finally came to that decision I knew that I had to really ham it up when I told Nigel and Kalia. One for me and also to give Fangs a laugh, unfortunately even though I gave the performance of a lifetime they just didn’t seem to get it. The rest of the day though was spent with Nigel (annoying kids next door voice) Nigeee (heh) and Kalia, since Fangs had other things to do. While I am thinking about it Fangs seems to be busy a lot and we hardly ever spend anytime together. When we do he is usually asking me questions and stuff. It’s almost like he doesn’t really want to spend that much alone time with me, maybe I read him all wrong when we first met, I could have sworn that he wanted me.
Don’t get me wrong, my day was great, Nigel and I were cool from the onset and Kalia even seemed more at ease than she has the last couple of days. Perhaps this is exactly what she has wanted from the beginning, my being free that is. Now she and I are on equal footing, or as equal as we can be all things considered. Where does that actually leave me though? I wish I knew. I am going to add in some song lyrics for you all now to give you an Idea of where I am at mentally
“My Heart” by Scooter Ward.
She came in like the wind
And took me over
A southern kind of day
A wicked sun
I fell into her will
I'm on the floor now
And every times she sings
I come undone
It's my heart (heart)
It's my heart
The memories will fade
Like the Ghosts of summer
The way she makes me feel
Can't stay for long
And then I turned and saw her face
The sun froze over
And every time she sings
I come undone
It's my heart (heart)
It's my heart
Can you give Love?
Can you give Love?
Can you give Love?
“Pain” By Three Days Grace
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
I have been listening to them on repeat now for a few days now and it amazes me why I have not cracked mentally yet. Then again maybe I have and this is just the ramblings of some delusional shell of a man. Who knows, stay tuned though cause it can only get better right?
Nov. 28th 2006
So I let a few days go by while in contemplation of my life and what the hell is going on with it. I have begun to notice that my mood swings as if on a pendulum, and Kalia is the one that controls the momentum of it all. Sure it really is when I am around any of them but she is the one that really messes me up the most. The last time we were together is no different than the rest, I started to lose focus and everything got hazy. I don’t even know if Kalia and I were intimate, that is how screwed up my head is now.
I am addicted to them, and I know that I will never survive the detox. I have to try though, it is time that I got back on my own two feet and did things on my own again. I can’t keep using them as the drugs they have become.
Oh please who am I kidding, as if I ever want to really distance myself from HER, but that could just be residual effects from my dream. You see after Nigel left that night Kalia and I stayed and talked into the early morning, unfortunately I had to leave because I was not feeling well. It was after I got home and passed out that things really got strange.
I found myself back with HER and we started making out, cuddling and stuff. It was really very nice and I awoke content and happy which I have not done in years really. Not since before my mother passed away. I wonder if it really happened, and if it did then what does it mean for her and I? Would she even tell me about it? Should I say anything? What the hell I don’t even know how she really feels about me, if she feels anything at all.
It’s nice to know that I am still a coward. I am still the same wall-building freak; nothing changes no matter how much I wish it otherwise. I hide behind this Grand Façade, the Uber Goth, Tortured Soul; it’s all Bullshit really. I am a FAKE, will I ever get to know the real me?
Nov. 29th 2006
I was still feeling sick earlier so I came home to rest some before going out to see everyone and found myself back with Kalia again. We were kissing and stuff just like last night and then we went all over the place sight seeing so to speak, and this time I knew I was dreaming. What I really noticed though was how much more relaxed she was around me, and I wasn’t all flustered and acting like some sort of Schoolboy with a crush. It was like she really was happy to spend time with me and I find that to be Ideal.
When I did finally wake up though the night had left me behind and I felt like I was late, not that anyone else would have noticed. When I arrived Nigel was setting up for an impromptu RAVE, and in attendance this evening we had, Jaiden, Kalia, and Pips who showed up a bit later. As usual my breath was stolen by the sheer radiance of Nigel and Kalia. Which leads me to believe that they have drugged me somehow. I even slapped Nigel’s ass before heading out to dance, unfortunately so did everyone else.
The music was fantastic and the dancing sublime, and then it got crazy. Kalia went and tore Nigel’s shirt off, which I think is a theme of his. Being topless that is. No I am not complaining either, even if I started to have trouble keeping rhythm once the cloths started flying. BTW I think I forgot to mention that Pips showed up almost completely naked, electrical tape over her nipples and well bottoms that really did nothing to hide anything. So there I was looking at 3 beautiful women and one gorgeous man who was in the process of being disrobed right in front of me. After Kalia stripped Nigel down to his hot pants he did not take long to return the favor by bending her over and tearing her shirt right off of her. If I can believe what I saw his hands turned into claws to do it, but that doesn’t happen really does it?
Again I am asking myself what have I gotten myself into? Who are these people that I have decided to associate and fall in love with?
Well after Nigel did that I was almost floored because Kalia was topless dancing around me as if nothing was wrong and I did what I could to keep it together. I made some comment about how distracting this was and Nigel said that I should just strip and join them. Before I could even say that he might enjoy that to much Kalia grabbed my hands and placed them on her garters then tells me to rip them off. What the hell was I supposed to do? What would you do? The girl of my dreams tells me to rip off her clothing, and that is exactly what I did. So now I was the most clothed person there which I guess got Nigel a bit miffed because he ripped my shirt off me and feeling his hands on my back as he did it sent chills up my spine. Then Kalia got in on the action by tearing my pants off me leaving me in the monogrammed hot pants she gave me earlier. No I will not take pictures of them for you to see.
I can’t even begin to tell you how liberating it was for me to be out there like that, at least that is how I felt at the moment. Dancing, laughing and having a great time. I was making faces at Kalia when she swooped in faster than anyone should be able to move and grabbed my face and with one quick motion she pierced my tongue. I’m not even sure how she did it since I never saw a piercing needle.
It happened so fast that I never even felt it, but as the blood was welling up in my mouth I noticed a strange gleam in her eyes and for some reason that I couldn’t explain then I kissed her letting the blood seep into her mouth. Once that happened she grabbed me even tighter sucking on my tongue and gently biting my lip. I don’t know if anyone else saw what happened but when I woke up this morning back in my own bed I had the tongue ring to prove it really happened.
I am starting to notice things now as I really think about it all, things that don’t really make sense. Or perhaps I should say what I am starting to believe can’t really be real. No matter what I believe this can’t really be the answer… If you could have seen her though when I started to bleed. It sure would explain a lot though, my strong attraction to them all, the whole otherworldly aspect to them, everything.
If you have not figured out where I am going with this then let me spell it out for you. Fangs, Nigel, and Kalia are Vampires… See what I mean, I just wrote it and I still don’t believe it. I know better, Vampires, REAL Vampires don’t actually exist. RIGHT…
Dec. 1st 2006
Ok so things have gotten a bit crazy lately, and I know that I have thrown a lot of stuff out there for you all to process. All I can say is believe me or not, the way things are moving right now I can’t afford to worry about any of you that might be reading this.
The past two days have been spent just trying to figure out what it is exactly that I am doing. There were no withdrawals or anything like it, so now I know that I am not really addicted to them. Something to look forward to I guess. What do I do now? I am in love with a vampire, talk about your bad Hollywood cliché… This could not be worse if my brother was writing it. Oh yeah he writes movie scripts in case you wondered. At least that was what he was doing when we parted ways…
I missed hanging out with them but under the circumstances what was I supposed to do? Maybe I am nothing but a meal for them and this is some sort of elaborate game that they play. I just don’t know. What I do know though is that spending time by myself doesn’t really help. I tormented myself with thoughts and memories from the past, tearing open wounds that should have healed long ago. I am scarred physically and mentally, and I almost forgot just how much pain I have stored up within me.
I know that I said how freeing and exhilarating it was to dance with them that evening, and for the most part that was true. Unfortunately after it was all said and done and I had time to think about it all I could do was wonder if they saw my scars and what did they think. You see these scars are who I am; they define me better than anything else ever could. It doesn’t matter that I have spent time and money to cover them up with my tattoos, and that wasn’t easy. Most artists don’t want to work on someone as scarred as I am, but when you have been cutting as long as I have the scars are all I have.
Earlier I started to write that self-pity post about who am I etc. Well here it is, I am a scarred, scared, young man that has feelings for a woman who I have known for week at the most and I don’t even know how she feels about me.
On top of all that She is a Vampire and I am finding it harder and harder to accept how all of this is turning out. If she feels the same for me then what does that mean? Will I have to be turned, can she live with the fact of me getting older, and do I want to get older? Can you understand where it is that I am coming from? All I seem to do is end up with more questions. Hell would she even want to love someone as messed up as I am?
Most of my other friends have moved on now, they can’t deal with the maelstrom that resides within my head. I have scarred more than just my body and I know that in the end all I will do is end up hurting her. It never fails; sooner or later I hurt everyone around me. I know that there is nothing I would wish for more than to never have to see her hurt or crying because of me. I can feel the demons crowding in, getting ready for me to fall. If you have never heard the wailing or the demons then you are lucky. We all have them and I guess I am just cursed to hear them better than everyone else. Once I get like this all I want to do is cut, feel the pain, and the release that I get from it. Maybe that is the true reason I have stayed away. I just don’t want them to see me like this.
I don’t want to inadvertently say or do something that could jeopardize the fragile existence between Kalia and myself. Then again this could be better for me, without a label on what we have then there are no expectations, no real pressure. We can just be ourselves and have fun. Sure I know that I won’t always feel like this but that could be exactly what she wants. Yeah and maybe I should just grow some balls and ask her what’s going on instead of writing it all out in here. As if this train wreck of a life I have is really all that entertaining to begin with. Without my demons, scars, and now Vampires why would anyone even care about me… Oh wait, you probably don’t.
My life has never been what most would call normal, both parents alcoholics, physically and mentally abusive to my brother and me. Emotionally I am still a child in many ways, I have just learned to hide it pretty well. Sure I latch on to people now because of it, and I am trying to tone it down, that way I don’t scare them all away every time. What do you expect though considering that I was the one that found my mom that night sitting in her bed staring out at nothing, with the pill bottle still clutched in her hand, and by then dear old dad had been gone for a few years. I tracked him down after the funeral and even though I was the only one to see him (Daniel was gone by then) at least there was some sort of closure. He died not even 2 months later…
So yes I CRAVE attention and Acceptance from whoever will give it to me, even if I am afraid and suspicious of it when it happens. I want this relationship to work although I have no idea how a real relationship should even work. I want to die but I am to scared to pull the trigger.
Later
Wow I guess I should say I’m sorry since all I can do now is write this self-pity shit. I am overwhelmed by it all, and I find myself hurting more now than I have in a long time. Prolonged exposure to my Darkness is obviously detrimental to my health. Tell me have you ever just looked at someone and knew that they were the one? Well that is how I fell about Kalia, even now knowing what she is. Something is missing when she is not around, so for this to work, whatever this is, I have to slow down and take this as it comes. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.
Unfortunately it seems that the fates have something else in store. Things between us just seem to be progressing at a break neck pace, and I am afraid that it could all burn out just as fast. The whole lovesick puppy dog routine is getting old. Following her around wishing, aching, almost begging for anything. A touch, gesture, word, look, anything, just as long as she acknowledges me in some way. Perhaps I should stay away longer, spend more time with Jare, maybe even find more people to hangout with, or at least take the time to figure out just exactly who I am.
As of now I feel truly alone, there is nothing and no one that can help me. I have not seen my brother since our mother’s funeral, and we left there hating each other so much. As I said he didn’t even know about Dad. Now though I feel as if I have shed enough blood for my own Demons but no matter how much I give they still want more. What I need is some sort of confrontation, but can I initiate it? If I don’t will I survive this path that I am on?
If I can’t be strong for myself now, how is it that I will ever get the relationship that I want? I don’t even know where or what it is that I want to do with my life. The only thing that I have been sure about in quite some time is that whatever I end up doing I want Kalia with me for it all. I don’t care what she is, and I refuse to let the demons within me to bring me down with their words of poison. No matter if I feel like I don't belong or that I am not good enough, this time I will get what I want.
What if though I am just some sort of game to them, no matter what I think I know about the whole Darkside of life and Vampires etc, this is really the first time that I have ever encountered anything like this.
Here I am again just rambling, sure my walls are high and mighty but my heart is unchained now and it will break easy. I can only hope that within the coming days I am not destroyed by the path I am about to tread. You see later tonight I am going to lay everything bare and allow myself the possibility of a relationship with her. I am going to share with her everything (I hope) allow her to see the scars and to taste the pain that I carry inside all the time. Let her really see the real me. Perhaps then I will be able to relax around her more and have this weight taken from me. I have to do this for my sanity, what's the worst that can happen? Wish me luck...
Even Later
The night has fallen and I have yet gotten up the nerve to leave my house and go see her, what the hell am I going to say? Do I start right out with how I am feeling, or do I work up to it? Maybe I should just act like everything is the same, I am so lost... You know if I didn't feel like this everything would be just fine. If I felt we could just be “Friends” then there wouldn't be any problems. Then again if we were just “Friends” what the hell would I be doing right now? If Fangs hadn't found me I wouldn't even be writing about any of this. I wonder did he know what he was doing by basically giving me over to Kalia? Is he secretly smiling about all of this? Do I even care about the answers? Well I guess it's time, I can't sit here all night writing to you all...
Dec. 2nd 2006
Well, I think congratulations are in order because I did it. I went and told her.
Maybe starting at the beginning would be good huh. As you all know I headed out to DS (what Darkside will be known as from now on) and ran into Fangs and Nigel. This was the first time that I had seen them together in quite some time and it was refreshing to say the least to see how silly and happy they both were. So getting all wrapped up in their giddiness I went and told them exactly what it was I was about to do. That was when all hell broke loose. I mean OMG they were of like rabbits on speed. It all started with some little ditty about Love, Love, Love, and then they spiraled right into me moving in with her, and ball gags, shoes, g-strings, etc. Usually I’m pretty good at keeping up with this sort of thing but last night I was completely out of my element. I guess they were happy that I was about to bare my soul to her.
Now the first part of the evening was taken up with some family business first. Mainly it was so that Fangs could introduce some of us newer people to everyone else. In attendance for us newbies were Daffs, Jaiden and myself, there could have been a few others but I was to distracted with what was to come to really pay any attention. Although the fact that they want to build a Club really did get my attention, I even made a Research Whore comment to Nigel and I didn’t even get a rise out of him. I was very disappointed.
Back on topic though, considering this is why you all are even keeping tabs on me in the first place. After the meeting a few of us were just hanging out talking and stuff when Jaiden, Nigel and I headed down to the beach and got a small fire going. Once it was going good Kalia came strolling up looking so HOT… Jaiden and Nigel were getting cozy and Kalia sat down with me and we all started talking. I almost lost my nerve a few times and I could tell that Nigel saw it happening so he took Jaiden away saying that he was making me all Kerfuzzled… All I can say is Thank You Nigel for being such a good friend. After they left she calmed me down even more and slowly coxed me out of my shell, leading me with questions and just holding me as I started to let all the words spill forth. Once the flood started I was afraid it would never end. Never once did she even flinch as I spilled my guts to her, telling her about my scars, my family, everything, and in the end I even told her how I truly felt about her...
So now it is all out in the open and she even told me that she feels the same, I can’t believe it there is actually a woman out there that feels the same way as I do. Now I did not use the L word and we said that we will take it slow and allow for things to progress naturally. Whatever that is, cause I sure as hell have no idea what’s natural about any of this. By rights I should just be food or something. We spent the rest of the evening talking, well really it was more of me answering questions but hey I was opening up so that has to count for something. Neither of us wants to mess this up, and we both have scars, walls, insecurities, she may even be more closed off emotionally than I am. Hard to believe I know but then again I think she has had a few more years to build up her defenses than I have.
I may not have really shared everything, and neither did she but what we don’t know about one another will come in time and I can truly say that we have known each other for years at least on some level. Never have I felt more comfortable around someone than when I am around her. Take away the whole Vampire thing and I would have taken her home to meet Mom, if she hadn’t committed suicide that is…
These should let you know how I am feeling and where my head is at…
VAST
“Touched”
Touched, you say that I am too
so much, of what you say is true
I’ll never find someone quite like you again
I’ll never find someone quite like you, like you
the razors and the dying roses
plead I don't leave you alone
the demi-gods and hungry ghosts
oh god, god knows I’m not at home
I’ll never find someone quite like you again
I’ll never find someone quite like you again
I, I looked into your eyes and saw
a world that does not exist
I looked into your eyes and saw
a world I wish I was in
I’ll never find someone quite as touched as you
I’ll never love someone quite the way
that I love you
And one more for you…
Cold (Title unknown)
Cant run away from love
If you cannot feel
Everything falls apart
In a tragedy
I am so far away from gone
I just wanna be here
Everyone forms apart
In my symphony
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Feels like I'm torn apart
And I cannot bleed
Caught in the web you made
This just cant be real
I am so far away from gone
I just wanna be here
Everyone falls apart
in this tragedy
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
I don’t wanna be alone
Everyday... I'll live through this...
Inside... I've changed
Everyday... I don't wanna be alone...
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Inside I’ve changed...
everyday I’ll live through this..
inside I’ve changed...
everyday I’ll live through this alone
I don’t wanna be alone...
Now before you all jump to conclusions, I am not desperate or clingy in any way even if I sometimes sound like it. Sure there is a hole within me from when my mom left the way she did, and sure maybe I do have trust, intimacy, and abandonment issues. None of that matters though in regards to Kalia, for once in my life I feel at peace, as if the choices I am making finally are the right ones. Even my demons are silent for the moment.
Yes I am in love with her, and I think she knows it even if I didn’t actually say that to her last night. I also know that sooner or later she will make me say it because knowing is just not good enough for her. I also understand why she will need me to say it, for now though I will let things progress as they are and hope it all works out.
I know that love isn’t always enough, and well how well can love between a Vampire and mortal really turn out? This isn’t some movie or Anne Rice novel. There are no guaranteed happy endings here; this is my life we are talking about. So what happens if and when I actually tell her that I do love her and I don’t hear those words back? Will I be ok with that; can I just be a friend after all of this? Whatever this is, it scares me to know that a simple four-letter word can mean so much and hurt even more if it is not reciprocated.
Later
Well this feeling in the pit of my stomach isn’t helping matters much. Seems that I am just leaving my defenses down and the wound gaping, letting the demons free run through my past. Pulling out all of my fears and anxieties, amplifying them to untold proportions and them shoving them back into my face. What should be a happy time for me, due to finding someone and knowing how she feels, yet all I have are the voices of ghosts mixing with the howls of the demons. How they love it when I am in turmoil, losing a little more of myself every time I am emotionally out of control. Maybe now is the time for me to really peel away the layers and allow myself the time to really look at what is underneath. Turn the light on my skeletons so to speak. I may never truly heal but I might be able to get rid of the infection before it spreads…
If you are wondering where I am going with this I am talking about my mother, like I said earlier, I was the one that found her sitting there. Daniel was a few seconds behind me and we just stood there frozen staring at the whole macabre scene. After that I am not sure what happened because I woke up in the car nowhere near the house covered in blood and in serious pain, with a whole lot of cuts to show for the evening. When I got back home Daniel didn’t even look at me and I truly think that was when we started to really drift apart.
She and I may have not always gotten along but she was my mother and at the funeral I wrote her a letter to be cremated along with her. I don’t even know what I wrote anymore but I do know that they were most likely the most powerful words that I have ever written for anyone. If you haven’t guessed it yet I am not a talker, and I don’t share things easily, at least not verbally. This journal/diary thing is totally different. I can make myself believe that I am just talking to myself no one else actually exists… That is why last night was so hard, just talking to her about my feelings was almost to much for me. I am trying not to cry as I write this but I may not succeed.
I miss my family, we weren’t perfect and even if they were all still around it doesn’t mean we would even be spending any real time together. That isn’t what matters though, right now there is this gaping hole within my heart and there may never be anything that can fill it.
Time for some more lyrics…
FLAW “Whole”
So maybe I am bound by fate
A problematic scarring induced by hate
It never seems to all pan out
Is that what all this teaching is needed to scout?
You seemed to have a bad effect
Your rules and contradictions, I would neglect
Though not my fault, you made me feel
Like my own education wasn't truly real
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here, desperate in the cold
Since you took your life, mine has not been whole
Has not been whole
So there I stood a scolded child
The reasons never questioned my pains been filed
Inside this place that makes me feel
I learned life is unfair and that is very real
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here, desperate in the cold
Since you took you life, mine just has not been whole,
My life is just not whole,
My life is just not whole
While you try to overcome the lesson
Making the most of those questions that just keeps me guessing
I'm looking longer, harder, further than I ever have
Solitude breaking me down you always seemed glad
To let yourself and stick me in the little pit
Personal growth as a child that mattered not a bit
Then I became the member that you hated most
Disrespecting the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
A small example of what the things you've done to me
Have changed in my life and changed the things that I can't be
I'll never Be
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here, desperate in the cold
since you took you life, mine just has not been whole
My life is just not whole
FIVE BOLT MAIN “The Gift”
Please explain a couple of things to me
How could you leave and then turn your back on me
if only we said goodbye, maybe then I would respect my life
in the end I am so ashamed of what you did
you said that you would never leave, I didn’t even see you go
you just up and turned your back on me, for reasons I will never know
now I am starring at an empty space, its the place that you used to be
and the look you see upon my face, is the gift from you to me
a haunting pain inside that lingers over me
this is not the way its supposed to be if only we said goodbye maybe then I would respect my life, in the end and I’m so ashamed of what you did
you said that you would never leave, I didn’t even see you go
you just up and turned your back on me, for reasons I will never know
now I am starring at an empty space, its the place that you used to be
and the look you see upon my face, is the gift from you to me
you made me what I am you made me what I am
you made me what I am you made me what I am
you said that you would never leave, I didn’t even see you go
you just up and turned your back on me, for reasons I will never know
now I am starring at an empty space, its the place that you used to be
and the look you see upon my face
is the gift from you to me
is the gift from you to me
The depths of my pain have never actually been plumed, even by me. I wish I could say that I am getting better but I think that may just be a lie. I am sorry if any of this is hurting you like it does me. I don’t wish this on anyone.
Dec. 3rd 2006
So I talked to Kalia earlier and let her know that I would not be making it out this evening. I want to be able to get my mind settled; I need to shut my demons up. Last night I go and bare most of my soul and tonight I can’t even bear to see her. What the hell is wrong with me? Not even 24hrs later and I am already screwing this all up, I could very well be on my way to losing her already, and I don’t even fully have her to lose.
Things are already spiraling out of control, and I have no clue what to do. If I can’t get it together I will end up losing everything. Can I really afford to destroy the one thing that has meaning for me right now? How is it that you can tell someone that you love them (even if you didn’t use those exact words) and in the next breath you turn away from them instead of opening yourself just a little more and allowing them the chance to help you? How is she going to take this affront? Will she be cold to me when I see her next? Can I really expect anything less? I guess I can’t fight my demons as well as I thought I could. I can already feel the walls going back up and Kalia still hasn’t gotten inside. She is so close but now I am already trying to push her away. As if I am not meant to be happy. Man I can fuck up a wet dream.
I can see it now, by the time this is all said and done she will hate me, and when it happens DS will no longer feel like a home to me and I will be alone once again. That pain though will be nothing compared to what I will feel if she completely walks away from me. Well I’m bringing this on myself, as always I am my own worst enemy. I’m sorry that I am so screwed up and I am glad that she isn’t reading this because if she knew just how bad I really was she would definitely walk away and I would never blame her. I hope that I’m wrong about her and how she will react, but no matter what I think there is no fixing this unless I actually get out of my head and get off my ass to go see her and apologize face to face.
I’m a COWARD, and I don’t even know if there is anything to fix. We were so close to saying things last night or maybe that was just me. Maybe I can talk to Fangs, see what he thinks. No this is something that I have to do on my own. I got myself into this mess and if I want things to work out then I have to be a man and deal with it all on my own. Why can’t I be happy, do I always have to try and destroy myself? Sometime tomorrow I will go and see her and then I will know exactly where we stand.
Later
So as I sat around feeling sorry for myself I went and wrote her a letter… You know one of those letters that explains it all so that way I don’t have to actually talk.
Dearheart
First and foremost I want to apologize for running away, we spent what I thought was a beautiful night together, sharing our feelings for each other and then I bailed on you completely. This is not how I wanted our relationship to start, and I will not be upset if you decide that you don’t want to deal with me right now. I am distraught and not sure what it is that I am doing, it seems that if I’m not careful though I’ll only end up hurting you and losing out on my one chance of happiness… I’m truly sorry, running seems to be my forte, and right now I’m trying really hard not to do just that while you are reading this… There are so many things that I still haven’t said to you… Words that I have not said to any other person ever. Please don’t hate me yet, don’t hate me at all. Come find me when you are done so that way we can talk…
Yours Forever
Damien
Not my best writing but I think that I got my point across, now though I just have to get up the nerve to go see her and give it to her.
Dec. 4th 2006
So my evening went well, I am still alive and that is a good thing. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to go see her and give her the letter. I guess I am growing up a little. After she read it I was grabbed into this almost bone crushing embrace and she told me that I was being silly and that she didn’t hate me, couldn’t hate me really. I may not completely believe her but I melted right then and there, hell I almost cried. The feelings were almost overwhelming. I have no idea what I have done to deserve her but it must have been something good for this type of karma.
So where exactly does that leave us, well I don’t know. We have some sort of relationship that defies description and I am left with more questions than answers, that is all my life seems to be about now and for once I am ok with it.
Unfortunately part of this new turmoil with more questions than answers stems from the fact that I went and did the one thing that I told myself I wasn’t going to do. I went and told her I loved her. I whispered it into her hair as she was holding me, and I know she heard me… Take it slow, no pressure, that is what I wanted, what WE wanted and with those 3 words I think I pissed all of it right out the window. Even though she didn’t say anything I know how she feels about me, her actions speak louder than any word or words ever could. If I was smart I would have done the same, just let my actions do all the talking and keep my mouth shut. Here I am the one that doesn’t like to talk or share really letting my mouth get me into trouble all over again. This time though there is no offer of slavery or anything of the sort. We just sat there holding each other for a while longer. Leaving me to wonder what a naïve young man, BOY really is doing here with her surrounded by MEN. Which then makes me wonder what Fangs and Nigel are thinking about all of this.
Well here I am coming off like the needy co-dependant freak. Let me just tell you all now, I am not as bad as I sound but since none of you know me then you won’t believe me either.
We didn’t talk to much after that and then we headed out to where Fangs and Nigel were, overseeing the Club construction. Which was going along pretty quick, then again I guess Vampires have a different work schedule than normal people. I even met someone new, Tannith is her name and she is one of those beautiful souls packed into this small package of energy. She and I hit it off right away, especially when it came to our taste in music.
See I told you she was a cutey. While we were chatting it up about music and stuff Nigel decided to Djing requests. We were making impromptu club play lists, which was fun but not the highlight of the evening. That happened when Kalia decided to recite the words to Bilingual by Jose Nunez to me…
I will just tell you that you should look it up so that way you understand why it is that I stopped dancing and just stood there mouth hanging open with Nigel and Tannith laughing at me.
So in regards to the whole US question, all I can say is that I’m happy with everything so far and I am not going to rock the boat. Let’s see where things go from here and let it progress however it has too.
Dec. 6th 2006
Except for a quick stop into DS yesterday I have not been around to see anyone. That is probably why my head has gone where it has. I have had too much time left with my demons, unregulated time, which is never good.
So here is a question to anyone that actually reads this, have you ever just felt totally LOST? Sometimes that is exactly how I feel and I can’t seem to get out from under the funk that it puts me in. Right now is exactly what I mean, I am feeling lost. Not about Kalia really, or DS and the friends that I have made so far, just lost in general.
Silence, turns me around.
I am not used to it.
The Demons hunger
Is what I need
When the jaws close around me
Will anyone be there to save me?
When I start feeling lost I get dark and weird also…
Words flung out like razors
Cutting ribbons of flesh
I let the blood flow freely
Allowing myself the time to enjoy the pain
The drops fall and the Demons howl
All I can do is smile…
That’s when I just let the words take over…
When my chest rips open
And my heart falls out
Will you be there to mend me
Or will you just stand there and laugh with everyone else?
Allowing the demons free reign…
I take all the pain and anger inside
Internalize and let it eat me up
Regurgitating the bits and pieces of myself
That no one wants to see
Just for you and your amusement
Letting whatever comes to mind just flow freely…
Time stops when you are around
But my pain is never-ending
I choke on the words that would be your undoing
Because I am afraid to be alone
Hopefully allowing the poison to find an exit and not let it fester inside of me. See I have had this feeling of getting punched in the gut all day, you know like when you get called to the principals office and you have no idea why. I don’t know if it’s because I will be seeing Kalia again after a few days or what, but if this is how it’s always going to be then I need to do something. I can’t keep acting like a lovesick puppy dog around her all the time.
Maybe I really am having withdrawals, I have never once been physically sick by not being around someone. I am so anxious to go see her later and if I don’t get a grip on how I feel right now then I will end up acting just like I always do. Wow can I be anymore immature about things? I need to step back and allow my feelings to run their course, find the happy place and stop the yo-yo effect that I have been on lately. If I don’t calm down then I will end up smothering her or chasing her away, or both.
Dec. 7th 2006
So before I went to see her I decided to do some shopping for new clothes etc. Before I was even done shopping she called me to see if I was coming over. I went over to her place and we talked and meditated for a while then she started to feel sick (I never knew Vampires could feel sick, then again what does anyone really know about them) so we retired to the couch and I just laid there holding her. Me the big Protector, I got to be the Knight in Shining Armor after all. Once I saw that she was resting comfortably I slipped off the couch and decided to do some more writing since my mind would not stop. The Demons even made sure to make an appearance; that was when I decided to call Nigel and talk to him about what the hell was going on inside my head. He seemed to be the best person to speak with at the moment since he has known Kalia longer. If things hadn’t have moved so fast with us I know that I would not be so mentally messed up right now, as it stands though my head is fucked and that leaves me wide open to get blindsided. I never expected to find her, or have anything like this happen to me.
Talking to him allowed me to get some perspective on what is going on, and it also let me know that the letter that I had written before calling him would actually be given to her. You see earlier in the evening she had asked me to just tell her what I needed to because she could feel that there was something on my mind. At the time though I didn’t know it, I really didn’t see it until later. I hate being so emotionally stunted sometimes; it makes it hard to connect really. Once I handed over the letter though I hauled ass. Nice to know that I can stay true to form.
As usual it was easier to run than it was to stay and deal with the confrontation, or feelings associated with the letter. Soon though running will not be an option, because if I run to much more I most likely will no longer have anything to run from. I can’t expect her to keep dealing with my emotional shortcomings. I will have to man up and just deal with whatever comes. That is definitely easier to type out than it will be to do I fear.
I bet you all would love to know what that letter said, but this is one time that I am not sharing, it was strictly for her eyes only. Although I will gift you with the shot of a lifetime for me so far…
Like I said, the Knight in Shining Armor… It really was a fantastic evening.
Dec. 8th 2006
Even after last night I can’t seem to get over my own issues with self-doubt. Which does nothing but allow the demons free reign over my thoughts and words. It never fails when I am feeling happy I start thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong, and more often than not I will find some way to make any one of those things happen, just to prove myself right. My way of having an out, that way I can’t or won’t blame myself for what happened. This time though I don’t want an out, I refuse to let this go the way my past relationships have gone. Unfortunately the poison is seeping through and I have to let it out somewhere or I will end up damaging myself even further.
My heart breaks every time I walk away, leaving myself with more questions.
I look at you never wanting to leave but knowing that it is really what is right.
Hearing your voice is like music in the night, soothing me to sleep.
Dreaming the dreams of the happy.
No matter what I want there are always doubts…
I walk alone, never looking where I am.
All I want is to get away.
The farther I go the closer you become.
The feuding sides of who I am…
Who am I?
Why are you here?
Why do you care about me?
What makes me different from the others?
Always questions, never ending without sufficient answers, so why do I ask?
Always wanting one thing, yet somehow preparing for the other…
Three little words
With all the power in the world
I Love you
I Hate You
Both of them hurt.
Am I good enough?
Would you ever talk to me as I have to you?
Would you share with me as I have with you?
Do you care for me as I care for you?
Someday I hope to know, for now though I will let these words out and hopefully allow the poisons to recede. It never fails, no mater what I feel as long as I can get it out onto paper I know that things will get better. This is my therapy and anyone that reads this well consider yourself my therapist.
Dec. 9th 2006 Early Morning
Well I just got back from a shopping trip with Kalia, where I also met her Brother Blackie. Now I am not sure if he is blood related or if she meant brother Vampire or what. I just don’t understand the whole family thing between any of them at the moment. That though isn’t what I really wanted to talk about even if Blackie seemed to like me and also seemed happy for her as well.
As you can tell my mind seems to be a bit messed up and even if that is almost a natural state for me, it doesn’t mean I always like it. While we were shopping etc Kalia came across something that she really liked for me and then gave me the money to buy it.
That actually made me angry and ashamed. I have been poor all my life and we lived on hand me downs, goodwill etc… So I looked at it like I was some sort of charity case and I told her as much when I refused to take her money. Lets just say that the look she gave me was less than pleasant and I was told in no uncertain terms that this was not charity or anything of the sort. She liked it and wanted me to have it, she just didn’t think that I would accept it as a gift so she wanted me to buy it myself. During this Blackie just smirked at me and shook his head, I even think he made some sort of comment but it was to low for me to hear.
Standing there chastised and embarrassed all I could do was nod and say thank you. It left me even more messed up though because I am not used to anyone doing things like that for me. I am not sure what to expect nor do I feel worthy enough to have her do it. I am beginning to see that she never does anything without reason so I will just have to trust that she knows better than I do. Considering my track record with women and my obvious lack of understanding relationships how could she not.
The words that spill forth out of me when I am alone sure do paint an ugly picture of obsession, depression, and loneliness that really makes me look bad. I may have said this before but it bears repeating, I am not co-dependant, or needy. I just know that if I sit staring into my head to much things can and usually do get dark and ugly.
I think I am going to take the rest of the day off from DS and Kalia etc. I will get some work done and just spend some time with the living as it were.
Dec. 10th 2006
Another night down and I am no closer to understanding what is going on then I was before. Tonight Fangs is throwing a party, and I have no idea what the occasion is or if there even is one. At the moment though I am spending even more time by myself, walking and thinking about nothing in general. I came down here to Kalia’s meditation area to try and straighten out my head a bit, since if you couldn’t tell I have not been in the most sociable of moods lately. Its not working but I will try and keep the happy face in place for the evening. Well I am out of here, seems that Kalia is already here and well you know how it is…
Later
So the party was a success I guess, if you could call it that by the amount of people that were there. We had Tannith who I made sure to say hey to since I inadvertently snubbed her earlier when I was in my mood, we also had Fangs and Kalia, Roblem, Tohru, Daffs, Ajax, and a new friend of Fangs Trajax I believe his name was. Nigel was nowhere to be seen but the music was still fantastic and we all danced and danced, I tried my best to just lose myself in the music. I even attempted some silliness when NiN’s “Closer” came on, yeah you guessed it I sang it to her word for word. Consider it my revenge for the Bilingual song… That was when she started losing clothing again and this time I did just like Nigel told me to, I joined right in.
She is so amazing though, I feel inadequate whenever I am around her. All I know though is that she finds me interesting enough to keep around and as I have said I still don’t really know why that is. I am nothing special, hell I am not even a Vampire, nor am I anywhere as cool as the other men that have had to have been in her life before me.
Well I used to have 2 seperate blogs for Damien's life story the first one was in LJ and it was the first part of his life when he was brought into Darkside by Fangs Craven and the resulting adventures or nightmares that happened. Then I started this VOX account and started telling the second half of his story with his rebirth as a Vampire etc. Now I am going to just put the whole story here beginning to end. That way if you want you can know Damien as only a few people ever really did.
The Beginning
Nov. 18th 2006
Holy shit what have I gotten myself into? There I was walking around minding my own business when I was approached by this Goth God… At least that is the only way I can really describe him. He introduced himself as Fangs Craven and then proceeded to ask me if I would like to go back to his home and meet his family. Now I know that this sounds like some sort of bad horror film plot but since I am writing this, everything has so far worked out. The funny thing about it all though is that I never once felt worried, he totally put me at ease from the very first words.
When we arrived at his Home, if you call sprawling acres of land dominated by this complete Euro Gothic landscape a home. I mean he had a castle for christ sake, not to mention the rest of the buildings that surrounded it. When I stepped out of his car he said “Welcome to Darkside”, I was so out of my element that I didn’t even make a Star Wars joke.
There to meet us, as if they knew he was bringing home a stray was his “Family” Nigel and Kalia. Immediate first impressions, Nigel is HOT and Kalia stole my heart as soon as I looked at her. I can’t explain it any better. It was easy to tell that Fangs and Nigel were together, which left me wondering just exactly where Kalia fit into the whole thing. You could tell that she was not with either of them and that she did not play into that sort of thing either. Yet she was still the Alpha Female of the group, not that I saw anyone else there. So maybe there is hope for me after all.
Well I guess now would be a good time for a disclaimer of sorts so that you know exactly who I am and why the hell I am even writing this drivel. My name is Damien Legend; a 22yr old emotionally destroyed young man on a journey to discover who I am exactly. As you look at me you will try to stereotype me into those familiar categories of Emo, Goth, Punk kid, and sure I am a little of all of those but that is not all that I am. So please remember that as you hopefully read everything that I have to share.
Later That Night
So there I was staring at Kalia I’m sure, and barely listening to Nigel as he was talking and whatever else he was doing when Fangs told her to Give me the tour. She didn’t even bat an eye as she told me to follow her and follow I did, just like some little puppy dog. We walked all over the grounds, seeing everything from the Beach to the Church that he had built just for his family. It looked very catholic but I doubt that is the religion they follow. I wish that I could say I paid a lot of attention to what exactly I was being shown but then I would be lying. Mostly I just stared at Kalia and listened to her voice, while wishing that she would turn to me and say how she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. Sure I know what you all must be thinking, I just met her and I was already so enamored with her that I could hardly think straight. This is not going to turn out well at all. Once the tour was done I was turned loose so to speak and most likely completely forgotten about, because really what would people as beautiful as the three of them want with a freak like me. Although I got the feeling that I was welcome in Darkside so I plan to return often.
With reluctance I left there and headed off to see my only friend that was around now, (I will most likely get into all of that Drama later as well) Jaredian. He and I hung out for a while hitting some clubs and just chilling. After a few hours though I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I excused myself and headed back to Darkside for some un-chaperoned touring.
I was walking through the Castle looking at the rooms and all of the art etc when out of nowhere Nigel came upon me, scaring me shitless in the process and also getting me quite aroused too. If you must know I have been with a man before and no I am not Gay, not that I have any problems with that, hell Jare is Gay and one of my best friends. What that all prefaces though is that seeing Nigel has me entertaining thoughts that I have not had in years, and when I did what I did it was more experimentation that anything else really. He was making me drunk just looking at him I mean he is so YUMMY that even though I am not gay I would still do things and wish for things to be done to me by him.
I made such an effort to listen to him and not keep thinking about all the other things we could be doing instead, and he told me about the gift for Fangs he was working on and even had me look at it so he could get my opinion, and this was after not even knowing me a day. I was so honored by it all, even if once it was all said and done I still left him feeling a little disappointed that nothing happened.
Walking out of Darkside I let my mind wander back to Fangs and how he made me feel that very first meeting and that even though very few words were even spoken how at ease I was and still am just thinking about him. I wish I could summon the words to describe him but I just don’t think I have the adjectives to do him justice. I was already under some type of spell and I think that He knew it or was expecting something like it.
Jaredian
Kalia
Nigel
Nov. 19th 2006
I am already losing track of time, just by being around them. Even though I know that this is only my second day with them it feels as if I have been with them for years. I showed up early evening and they were all talking with this other girl who for the life of me I can’t remember her name, since I was distracted by Kalia (mmmmmmmmmmmm). It seems that they were planning on putting on a fireworks show and once Nigel showed up the party really got started. I spent most of the time though staring at Kalia and I think she may have even caught me, although all I noticed her do was smirk. That girl is so beautiful and I could be devoured by her Body and Soul, I would gladly die for her if that is what it took. Damn listen to me I sound like some second rate Loon out to stalk someone… Lets not jump to conclusions though people, I know my boundaries and what not, and I would never do anything to possibly upset her in any way.
When it was all over though is when things got interesting for me and I almost let my mouth overload my ass and get me into trouble. You see Fangs started asking me some questions etc, and I’m not sure but I think that some of my answers were not to his liking because he started to question my sincerity and make assumptions that I might be playing them all or some such thing. Now considering that I have only known them all for 2 days this started to really get under my skin and I mouthed off. No One and I mean No One says shit like that to me. Comments like that Really PISS ME OFF and I let them know it.
I almost blew it with them to, but Fangs quickly put me back in my place and he then preceded to place me in the care of Nigel and Kalia as their slave, that’s right folks I said slave. I have no idea what it will entail but I have 2 months to figure it out or something like that before I am told if I will be able to stay.
Nov. 20th 2006
So we went out shopping for slave gear, you know a collar, leash, etc… And I spent time getting used to it. Then I was set free for the evening, so I headed off to see Jare. We hit up this club he frequents Club Industry and we danced for a few hours. It was fun but I was already missing Kalia and Darkside so I called it an early evening and headed back to what I already considered home. I was all alone so I hit up the area where the Fireworks were set off and started listening to music while dancing by myself and just relaxing in a way that I had not done in quite some time. While I was in my own little world Kalia showed up and had to have been watching me for a few minutes before letting me know she was there. At least that is what I will tell myself. She walked out wearing this full length Red Strapless off the shoulder dress, letting me know that she had just returned from a party that The Family had attended. I know she did it just to tempt me into trouble, whether she would ever admit to it or not. We even talked a bit before I had to leave, (even though I am a slave it seems that my personal life is still my own) Unfortunately Fangs and Nigel never showed but I did get a hug out of it all, or at least I think I did.
Before I left though she asked that I write her a letter about how she makes me feel. This is what I will give to her.
Kalia,
I feel completely inadequate in my ability to describe what it is that you do to me. So I will start off with this.
Even though I have barely talked to you, you dominate my thoughts like no one else has ever done. You have overwhelmed my senses and made it so all I want to do is see you. I don’t have the words to describe how incredibly beautiful you are or how much I want you and to be wanted in turn by you. I want to be devoured by you BODY, HEART, and SOUL. I would willingly give you everything because you already have that much power over me. I am helpless when you are around.
Now I know that that is a strange thing to say considering the brief amount of time that we have know each other and so far all I have gotten is the tour of Darkside form you and a few words since then, but when I am not in Darkside with you, Nigel or Fangs, you are never far from my thoughts. I would be amazed if you did not feel the intensity of my feelings for you every time that I am near. I am completely dominated by you and yet you have done nothing but offer me friendship.
Last night in your “Party Outfit” as you called it all I can say is that you were breathtaking, the few words that I may have said to you don’t even come close to the true feelings I was quietly enduring. You are my Mistress now and I wish to please you, yet I can’t help wishing for more. I hope that my honest has not offended you.
Yours Forever
Damien
Nov. 21st 2006
So I gave her the letter earlier and then I went out shopping, when I returned, I guess she showed Nigel the letter because he had an assignment for me. He wants me to write a 500 word minimum essay on what being a Slave means to me. Which all started with the question being posed “Why did I want to be their Slave”. So I really had to sit and think about it since I had never been a slave, I needed to find out just what it is that I wanted from all of this not to mention what it is that they want. If I am too afraid to really look at myself then how are they ever going to see past my fears to want to keep me? So after some soul searching this is what I have.
Allow me the strength to answer questions I can't fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know Their needs.
Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts.
Allow me the serenity to serve Them in peace.
Allow me the love to show Them myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Them.
Allow me the light to show us the way.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Them.
Let me be able to show Them each day my love of my service to Them.
Let me open myself up to completely belong to Them.
Let my eyes show Them the same respect; no matter if I am sitting at Their side, or kneeling at Their feet.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a man.
Let me learn to please Them, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Them completely.
Give me the strength to please us all.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Them.
Allow me the peace of serving Them.
For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make their lives as complete, as they make mine.
This is my affirmation to myself as I step into this with you my Masters and Mistress. To this date Master I have never really thought what it meant to Me to be a slave, sure I know that I am to do as I am told. I know the words and the actions. I know that I can please, and in doing so I will find pleasure also.
What does it MEAN to me though to be a SLAVE? Truth be told Master, I am a very insecure person; I am very intimidated by the three of you. I know that I might not show it but that is because of years of hiding behind the façade that I have created for myself. I have more than just the scars on my arms keeping me from opening myself completely. There is a lot of Pain and Rage within me and it is my dearest wish/secret hope that by submitting to you Three fully I will be stripped of both of them and be reborn.
I am hoping that by doing this I will be able to step out of myself and become something more. Being a slave for me is letting myself allow things that I have no control over. By giving myself completely to the Three of you I am hoping to be able to conquer my fears of rejection, loss, abandonment, and loneliness.
By giving away my control I hope to be able to better understand who I am and to become a more complete person in the process.
I know that it might seem strange that I feel as if I will be more complete by being a Slave but it is what I feel deep inside.
I am not submissive by nature, and my mouth can get me into trouble as you have already seen just before I was allowed this trial period with you Three. As soon as I saw all of you I knew more than anything that without you I would never be anything but the Shell that you saw when I first walked into Darkside with F.
I know that I have a lot to learn and a lot will need to be taught, I am willing and able to do this. Given the chance I will show all of you that I am a Good Slave, and later if permitted a better friend and companion…
Damien Legend
Nov. 22nd 2006
I gave him the letter earlier in the evening then proceeded to show off some of my new clothes. After the show and tell Fangs asked me how everything was going, then we talked about (or more like he could sense) my growing feelings for Kalia and the role of Slave that I have chosen. You see the problem is that I have a very romantic heart and what I call a Knight in Shining Armor complex. Meaning no disrespect to my Mistress but there are times when I can feel her sadness and it tears me up inside, I just want to take her in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be all right but that is not my place.
We talked about this in great detail, which just reinforces the feelings I already had for him. He is such a beautiful man who listens with his heart and knows exactly what his Family needs. Perhaps that is why I seem to spend more time with Kalia then I do with Nigel.
Later
My training really began in earnest once all of the conversations were done. I was taken into their “Dungeon” where Fangs chained me up and preceded to “TEACH” me. I came to find out that it was also a training session for Kalia as well. I will skip the details as they are only for my memories; I refuse to allow this to turn into some sort of porn blog just for you all. During the training session though I was beginning to sense that Kalia was not all that into it and that she seemed bothered by something. Foolishly though I asked her what was wrong.
Not foolish on my part really but definitely not the right time to be asking something like that. She was less than pleased to have her Slave read her so easily, although I could have been wrong in what I saw.
Isn’t that what I should be doing though, as a good slave; read and understand her actions so that way I can be sure to please her better, anticipate her needs and respond accordingly. Unfortunately I guess I was wrong because after I asked the training got rougher. I even started to get a little scared towards the end.
Once it ended though she and I talked and she even asked me what I wanted. I don’t remember verbatim what it is that I said but I know that I told her I wanted to be her Knight in shining Armor and more. What I didn’t say though was that I wanted to be able to complete her as I feel she has completed me.
Perhaps she feels it, I don’t really know but the one thing I do know is what I told Fangs earlier. I want to ear the right to be with her as her companion and not her slave. I know that I have a long way to go before that can happen but with their help I will hopefully become that man and more. If not then I hope that I amuse them enough for them to keep me around anyways.
Oh and just so you know this is how I look now collar and all.
Special effects by Kalia… I look so goth now, even if this particular picture doesn’t show it. The funny thing though is how Fangs and Nigel are now starting to call me Kalia Lite as if she is trying to make me over in her image or something. Ok so the Hair color is kinda like hers and I am wearing Green contacts now that are very close to her eye color but I am still me and I like how I look. Hell I picked out all my piercings and makeup choices not to mention all my Tat work which is one of a kind… Sheesh listen to me whine. I am done for the night cya all later…
Nov. 23rd 2006
Well I’m scared now, Fangs has said that he wants to talk to me; I can only imagine that it has something to do with the session from last night. I must have really messed up with Kalia, maybe she told Fangs to just get rid of me. Maybe I really suck at being a Slave, who knows… What I do know though is if I am cast out already then I may just have to finish what I started so many times before, at least this time Daniel won’t be around to stop me. For those of you wondering, Daniel is my brother, he and I are not close at the moment and I am not even sure where he is. We have not spoken in a few years actually. I will get into all of that later trust me. Right now though I have to go see Fangs and hopefully take it like a man, I doubt that breaking down in front of him would help my chances of staying.
Later
Have you ever felt like the whole world has just dropped out from under you? Well that is where I am at now; my life is in turmoil once again. Fangs and I talked again about my being a slave and how I guess Kalia feels about it etc. I think they talked after the whole training session and maybe what she had to say was not very flattering, I just don’t know. Maybe he could see how unhappy I was truly becoming or he was afraid that the spark or whatever it is he saw in me was being extinguished. Well maybe afraid is a bit harsh; I don’t think he is ever afraid. What I do know is I am no longer a slave, or should I say I am no longer their slave. I know that my heart is still enslaved to Kalia and it will be forever. Now though I get to be me without all the Master stuff, I feel so different now even though I was really only a slave for a few days I really went for it.
When we finally came to that decision I knew that I had to really ham it up when I told Nigel and Kalia. One for me and also to give Fangs a laugh, unfortunately even though I gave the performance of a lifetime they just didn’t seem to get it. The rest of the day though was spent with Nigel (annoying kids next door voice) Nigeee (heh) and Kalia, since Fangs had other things to do. While I am thinking about it Fangs seems to be busy a lot and we hardly ever spend anytime together. When we do he is usually asking me questions and stuff. It’s almost like he doesn’t really want to spend that much alone time with me, maybe I read him all wrong when we first met, I could have sworn that he wanted me.
Don’t get me wrong, my day was great, Nigel and I were cool from the onset and Kalia even seemed more at ease than she has the last couple of days. Perhaps this is exactly what she has wanted from the beginning, my being free that is. Now she and I are on equal footing, or as equal as we can be all things considered. Where does that actually leave me though? I wish I knew. I am going to add in some song lyrics for you all now to give you an Idea of where I am at mentally
“My Heart” by Scooter Ward.
She came in like the wind
And took me over
A southern kind of day
A wicked sun
I fell into her will
I'm on the floor now
And every times she sings
I come undone
It's my heart (heart)
It's my heart
The memories will fade
Like the Ghosts of summer
The way she makes me feel
Can't stay for long
And then I turned and saw her face
The sun froze over
And every time she sings
I come undone
It's my heart (heart)
It's my heart
Can you give Love?
Can you give Love?
Can you give Love?
Pain” By Three Days Grace
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
I have been listening to them on repeat now for a few days now and it amazes me why I have not cracked mentally yet. Then again maybe I have and this is just the ramblings of some delusional shell of a man. Who knows, stay tuned though cause it can only get better right?
Nov. 28th 2006
So I let a few days go by while in contemplation of my life and what the hell is going on with it. I have begun to notice that my mood swings as if on a pendulum, and Kalia is the one that controls the momentum of it all. Sure it really is when I am around any of them but she is the one that really messes me up the most. The last time we were together is no different than the rest, I started to lose focus and everything got hazy. I don’t even know if Kalia and I were intimate, that is how screwed up my head is now.
I am addicted to them, and I know that I will never survive the detox. I have to try though, it is time that I got back on my own two feet and did things on my own again. I can’t keep using them as the drugs they have become.
Oh please who am I kidding, as if I ever want to really distance myself from HER, but that could just be residual effects from my dream. You see after Nigel left that night Kalia and I stayed and talked into the early morning, unfortunately I had to leave because I was not feeling well. It was after I got home and passed out that things really got strange.
I found myself back with HER and we started making out, cuddling and stuff. It was really very nice and I awoke content and happy which I have not done in years really. Not since before my mother passed away. I wonder if it really happened, and if it did then what does it mean for her and I? Would she even tell me about it? Should I say anything? What the hell I don’t even know how she really feels about me, if she feels anything at all.
It’s nice to know that I am still a coward. I am still the same wall-building freak; nothing changes no matter how much I wish it otherwise. I hide behind this Grand Façade, the Uber Goth, Tortured Soul; it’s all Bullshit really. I am a FAKE, will I ever get to know the real me?
Nov. 29th 2006
I was still feeling sick earlier so I came home to rest some before going out to see everyone and found myself back with Kalia again. We were kissing and stuff just like last night and then we went all over the place sight seeing so to speak, and this time I knew I was dreaming. What I really noticed though was how much more relaxed she was around me, and I wasn’t all flustered and acting like some sort of Schoolboy with a crush. It was like she really was happy to spend time with me and I find that to be Ideal.
When I did finally wake up though the night had left me behind and I felt like I was late, not that anyone else would have noticed. When I arrived Nigel was setting up for an impromptu RAVE, and in attendance this evening we had, Jaiden, Kalia, and Pips who showed up a bit later. As usual my breath was stolen by the sheer radiance of Nigel and Kalia. Which leads me to believe that they have drugged me somehow. I even slapped Nigel’s ass before heading out to dance, unfortunately so did everyone else.
The music was fantastic and the dancing sublime, and then it got crazy. Kalia went and tore Nigel’s shirt off, which I think is a theme of his. Being topless that is. No I am not complaining either, even if I started to have trouble keeping rhythm once the cloths started flying. BTW I think I forgot to mention that Pips showed up almost completely naked, electrical tape over her nipples and well bottoms that really did nothing to hide anything. So there I was looking at 3 beautiful women and one gorgeous man who was in the process of being disrobed right in front of me. After Kalia stripped Nigel down to his hot pants he did not take long to return the favor by bending her over and tearing her shirt right off of her. If I can believe what I saw his hands turned into claws to do it, but that doesn’t happen really does it?
Again I am asking myself what have I gotten myself into? Who are these people that I have decided to associate and fall in love with?
Well after Nigel did that I was almost floored because Kalia was topless dancing around me as if nothing was wrong and I did what I could to keep it together. I made some comment about how distracting this was and Nigel said that I should just strip and join them. Before I could even say that he might enjoy that to much Kalia grabbed my hands and placed them on her garters then tells me to rip them off. What the hell was I supposed to do? What would you do? The girl of my dreams tells me to rip off her clothing, and that is exactly what I did. So now I was the most clothed person there which I guess got Nigel a bit miffed because he ripped my shirt off me and feeling his hands on my back as he did it sent chills up my spine. Then Kalia got in on the action by tearing my pants off me leaving me in the monogrammed hot pants she gave me earlier. No I will not take pictures of them for you to see.
I can’t even begin to tell you how liberating it was for me to be out there like that, at least that is how I felt at the moment. Dancing, laughing and having a great time. I was making faces at Kalia when she swooped in faster than anyone should be able to move and grabbed my face and with one quick motion she pierced my tongue. I’m not even sure how she did it since I never saw a piercing needle.
It happened so fast that I never even felt it, but as the blood was welling up in my mouth I noticed a strange gleam in her eyes and for some reason that I couldn’t explain then I kissed her letting the blood seep into her mouth. Once that happened she grabbed me even tighter sucking on my tongue and gently biting my lip. I don’t know if anyone else saw what happened but when I woke up this morning back in my own bed I had the tongue ring to prove it really happened.
I am starting to notice things now as I really think about it all, things that don’t really make sense. Or perhaps I should say what I am starting to believe can’t really be real. No matter what I believe this can’t really be the answer… If you could have seen her though when I started to bleed. It sure would explain a lot though, my strong attraction to them all, the whole otherworldly aspect to them, everything.
If you have not figured out where I am going with this then let me spell it out for you. Fangs, Nigel, and Kalia are Vampires… See what I mean, I just wrote it and I still don’t believe it. I know better, Vampires, REAL Vampires don’t actually exist. RIGHT…
Dec. 1st 2006
Ok so things have gotten a bit crazy lately, and I know that I have thrown a lot of stuff out there for you all to process. All I can say is believe me or not, the way things are moving right now I can’t afford to worry about any of you that might be reading this.
The past two days have been spent just trying to figure out what it is exactly that I am doing. There were no withdrawals or anything like it, so now I know that I am not really addicted to them. Something to look forward to I guess. What do I do now? I am in love with a vampire, talk about your bad Hollywood cliché… This could not be worse if my brother was writing it. Oh yeah he writes movie scripts in case you wondered. At least that was what he was doing when we parted ways…
I missed hanging out with them but under the circumstances what was I supposed to do? Maybe I am nothing but a meal for them and this is some sort of elaborate game that they play. I just don’t know. What I do know though is that spending time by myself doesn’t really help. I tormented myself with thoughts and memories from the past, tearing open wounds that should have healed long ago. I am scarred physically and mentally, and I almost forgot just how much pain I have stored up within me.
I know that I said how freeing and exhilarating it was to dance with them that evening, and for the most part that was true. Unfortunately after it was all said and done and I had time to think about it all I could do was wonder if they saw my scars and what did they think. You see these scars are who I am; they define me better than anything else ever could. It doesn’t matter that I have spent time and money to cover them up with my tattoos, and that wasn’t easy. Most artists don’t want to work on someone as scarred as I am, but when you have been cutting as long as I have the scars are all I have.
Earlier I started to write that self-pity post about who am I etc. Well here it is, I am a scarred, scared, young man that has feelings for a woman who I have known for week at the most and I don’t even know how she feels about me.
On top of all that She is a Vampire and I am finding it harder and harder to accept how all of this is turning out. If she feels the same for me then what does that mean? Will I have to be turned, can she live with the fact of me getting older, and do I want to get older? Can you understand where it is that I am coming from? All I seem to do is end up with more questions. Hell would she even want to love someone as messed up as I am?
Most of my other friends have moved on now, they can’t deal with the maelstrom that resides within my head. I have scarred more than just my body and I know that in the end all I will do is end up hurting her. It never fails; sooner or later I hurt everyone around me. I know that there is nothing I would wish for more than to never have to see her hurt or crying because of me. I can feel the demons crowding in, getting ready for me to fall. If you have never heard the wailing or the demons then you are lucky. We all have them and I guess I am just cursed to hear them better than everyone else. Once I get like this all I want to do is cut, feel the pain, and the release that I get from it. Maybe that is the true reason I have stayed away. I just don’t want them to see me like this.
I don’t want to inadvertently say or do something that could jeopardize the fragile existence between Kalia and myself. Then again this could be better for me, without a label on what we have then there are no expectations, no real pressure. We can just be ourselves and have fun. Sure I know that I won’t always feel like this but that could be exactly what she wants. Yeah and maybe I should just grow some balls and ask her what’s going on instead of writing it all out in here. As if this train wreck of a life I have is really all that entertaining to begin with. Without my demons, scars, and now Vampires why would anyone even care about me… Oh wait, you probably don’t.
My life has never been what most would call normal, both parents alcoholics, physically and mentally abusive to my brother and me. Emotionally I am still a child in many ways, I have just learned to hide it pretty well. Sure I latch on to people now because of it, and I am trying to tone it down, that way I don’t scare them all away every time. What do you expect though considering that I was the one that found my mom that night sitting in her bed staring out at nothing, with the pill bottle still clutched in her hand, and by then dear old dad had been gone for a few years. I tracked him down after the funeral and even though I was the only one to see him (Daniel was gone by then) at least there was some sort of closure. He died not even 2 months later…
So yes I CRAVE attention and Acceptance from whoever will give it to me, even if I am afraid and suspicious of it when it happens. I want this relationship to work although I have no idea how a real relationship should even work. I want to die but I am to scared to pull the trigger.
Later
Wow I guess I should say I’m sorry since all I can do now is write this self-pity shit. I am overwhelmed by it all, and I find myself hurting more now than I have in a long time. Prolonged exposure to my Darkness is obviously detrimental to my health. Tell me have you ever just looked at someone and knew that they were the one? Well that is how I fell about Kalia, even now knowing what she is. Something is missing when she is not around, so for this to work, whatever this is, I have to slow down and take this as it comes. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.
Unfortunately it seems that the fates have something else in store. Things between us just seem to be progressing at a break neck pace, and I am afraid that it could all burn out just as fast. The whole lovesick puppy dog routine is getting old. Following her around wishing, aching, almost begging for anything. A touch, gesture, word, look, anything, just as long as she acknowledges me in some way. Perhaps I should stay away longer, spend more time with Jare, maybe even find more people to hangout with, or at least take the time to figure out just exactly who I am.
As of now I feel truly alone, there is nothing and no one that can help me. I have not seen my brother since our mother’s funeral, and we left there hating each other so much. As I said he didn’t even know about Dad. Now though I feel as if I have shed enough blood for my own Demons but no matter how much I give they still want more. What I need is some sort of confrontation, but can I initiate it? If I don’t will I survive this path that I am on?
If I can’t be strong for myself now, how is it that I will ever get the relationship that I want? I don’t even know where or what it is that I want to do with my life. The only thing that I have been sure about in quite some time is that whatever I end up doing I want Kalia with me for it all. I don’t care what she is, and I refuse to let the demons within me to bring me down with their words of poison. No matter if I feel like I don't belong or that I am not good enough, this time I will get what I want.
What if though I am just some sort of game to them, no matter what I think I know about the whole Darkside of life and Vampires etc, this is really the first time that I have ever encountered anything like this.
Here I am again just rambling, sure my walls are high and mighty but my heart is unchained now and it will break easy. I can only hope that within the coming days I am not destroyed by the path I am about to tread. You see later tonight I am going to lay everything bare and allow myself the possibility of a relationship with her. I am going to share with her everything (I hope) allow her to see the scars and to taste the pain that I carry inside all the time. Let her really see the real me. Perhaps then I will be able to relax around her more and have this weight taken from me. I have to do this for my sanity, what's the worst that can happen? Wish me luck...
Even Later
The night has fallen and I have yet gotten up the nerve to leave my house and go see her, what the hell am I going to say? Do I start right out with how I am feeling, or do I work up to it? Maybe I should just act like everything is the same, I am so lost... You know if I didn't feel like this everything would be just fine. If I felt we could just be “Friends” then there wouldn't be any problems. Then again if we were just “Friends” what the hell would I be doing right now? If Fangs hadn't found me I wouldn't even be writing about any of this. I wonder did he know what he was doing by basically giving me over to Kalia? Is he secretly smiling about all of this? Do I even care about the answers? Well I guess it's time, I can't sit here all night writing to you all...
Dec. 2nd 2006
Well, I think congratulations are in order because I did it. I went and told her.
Maybe starting at the beginning would be good huh. As you all know I headed out to DS (what Darkside will be known as from now on) and ran into Fangs and Nigel. This was the first time that I had seen them together in quite some time and it was refreshing to say the least to see how silly and happy they both were. So getting all wrapped up in their giddiness I went and told them exactly what it was I was about to do. That was when all hell broke loose. I mean OMG they were of like rabbits on speed. It all started with some little ditty about Love, Love, Love, and then they spiraled right into me moving in with her, and ball gags, shoes, g-strings, etc. Usually I’m pretty good at keeping up with this sort of thing but last night I was completely out of my element. I guess they were happy that I was about to bare my soul to her.
Now the first part of the evening was taken up with some family business first. Mainly it was so that Fangs could introduce some of us newer people to everyone else. In attendance for us newbies were Daffs, Jaiden and myself, there could have been a few others but I was to distracted with what was to come to really pay any attention. Although the fact that they want to build a Club really did get my attention, I even made a Research Whore comment to Nigel and I didn’t even get a rise out of him. I was very disappointed.
Back on topic though, considering this is why you all are even keeping tabs on me in the first place. After the meeting a few of us were just hanging out talking and stuff when Jaiden, Nigel and I headed down to the beach and got a small fire going. Once it was going good Kalia came strolling up looking so HOT… Jaiden and Nigel were getting cozy and Kalia sat down with me and we all started talking. I almost lost my nerve a few times and I could tell that Nigel saw it happening so he took Jaiden away saying that he was making me all Kerfuzzled… All I can say is Thank You Nigel for being such a good friend. After they left she calmed me down even more and slowly coxed me out of my shell, leading me with questions and just holding me as I started to let all the words spill forth. Once the flood started I was afraid it would never end. Never once did she even flinch as I spilled my guts to her, telling her about my scars, my family, everything, and in the end I even told her how I truly felt about her...
So now it is all out in the open and she even told me that she feels the same, I can’t believe it there is actually a woman out there that feels the same way as I do. Now I did not use the L word and we said that we will take it slow and allow for things to progress naturally. Whatever that is, cause I sure as hell have no idea what’s natural about any of this. By rights I should just be food or something. We spent the rest of the evening talking, well really it was more of me answering questions but hey I was opening up so that has to count for something. Neither of us wants to mess this up, and we both have scars, walls, insecurities, she may even be more closed off emotionally than I am. Hard to believe I know but then again I think she has had a few more years to build up her defenses than I have.
I may not have really shared everything, and neither did she but what we don’t know about one another will come in time and I can truly say that we have known each other for years at least on some level. Never have I felt more comfortable around someone than when I am around her. Take away the whole Vampire thing and I would have taken her home to meet Mom, if she hadn’t committed suicide that is…
These should let you know how I am feeling and where my head is at…
VAST
“Touched”
Touched, you say that I am too
so much, of what you say is true
I’ll never find someone quite like you again
I’ll never find someone quite like you, like you
the razors and the dying roses
plead I don't leave you alone
the demi-gods and hungry ghosts
oh god, god knows I’m not at home
I’ll never find someone quite like you again
I’ll never find someone quite like you again
I, I looked into your eyes and saw
a world that does not exist
I looked into your eyes and saw
a world I wish I was in
I’ll never find someone quite as touched as you
I’ll never love someone quite the way
that I love you
And one more for you…
Cold (Title unknown)
Cant run away from love
If you cannot feel
Everything falls apart
In a tragedy
I am so far away from gone
I just wanna be here
Everyone forms apart
In my symphony
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Feels like I'm torn apart
And I cannot bleed
Caught in the web you made
This just cant be real
I am so far away from gone
I just wanna be here
Everyone falls apart
in this tragedy
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
I don’t wanna be alone
Everyday... I'll live through this...
Inside... I've changed
Everyday... I don't wanna be alone...
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Can you feel this in your heart
Can you take it to your soul
I don’t want you to pretend
I don’t wanna be alone
Inside I’ve changed...
everyday I’ll live through this..
inside I’ve changed...
everyday I’ll live through this alone
I don’t wanna be alone...
Now before you all jump to conclusions, I am not desperate or clingy in any way even if I sometimes sound like it. Sure there is a hole within me from when my mom left the way she did, and sure maybe I do have trust, intimacy, and abandonment issues. None of that matters though in regards to Kalia, for once in my life I feel at peace, as if the choices I am making finally are the right ones. Even my demons are silent for the moment.
Yes I am in love with her, and I think she knows it even if I didn’t actually say that to her last night. I also know that sooner or later she will make me say it because knowing is just not good enough for her. I also understand why she will need me to say it, for now though I will let things progress as they are and hope it all works out.
I know that love isn’t always enough, and well how well can love between a Vampire and mortal really turn out? This isn’t some movie or Anne Rice novel. There are no guaranteed happy endings here; this is my life we are talking about. So what happens if and when I actually tell her that I do love her and I don’t hear those words back? Will I be ok with that; can I just be a friend after all of this? Whatever this is, it scares me to know that a simple four-letter word can mean so much and hurt even more if it is not reciprocated.
Later
Well this feeling in the pit of my stomach isn’t helping matters much. Seems that I am just leaving my defenses down and the wound gaping, letting the demons free run through my past. Pulling out all of my fears and anxieties, amplifying them to untold proportions and them shoving them back into my face. What should be a happy time for me, due to finding someone and knowing how she feels, yet all I have are the voices of ghosts mixing with the howls of the demons. How they love it when I am in turmoil, losing a little more of myself every time I am emotionally out of control. Maybe now is the time for me to really peel away the layers and allow myself the time to really look at what is underneath. Turn the light on my skeletons so to speak. I may never truly heal but I might be able to get rid of the infection before it spreads…
If you are wondering where I am going with this I am talking about my mother, like I said earlier, I was the one that found her sitting there. Daniel was a few seconds behind me and we just stood there frozen staring at the whole macabre scene. After that I am not sure what happened because I woke up in the car nowhere near the house covered in blood and in serious pain, with a whole lot of cuts to show for the evening. When I got back home Daniel didn’t even look at me and I truly think that was when we started to really drift apart.
She and I may have not always gotten along but she was my mother and at the funeral I wrote her a letter to be cremated along with her. I don’t even know what I wrote anymore but I do know that they were most likely the most powerful words that I have ever written for anyone. If you haven’t guessed it yet I am not a talker, and I don’t share things easily, at least not verbally. This journal/diary thing is totally different. I can make myself believe that I am just talking to myself no one else actually exists… That is why last night was so hard, just talking to her about my feelings was almost to much for me. I am trying not to cry as I write this but I may not succeed.
I miss my family, we weren’t perfect and even if they were all still around it doesn’t mean we would even be spending any real time together. That isn’t what matters though, right now there is this gaping hole within my heart and there may never be anything that can fill it.
Time for some more lyrics…
FLAW “Whole”
So maybe I am bound by fate
A problematic scarring induced by hate
It never seems to all pan out
Is that what all this teaching is needed to scout?
You seemed to have a bad effect
Your rules and contradictions, I would neglect
Though not my fault, you made me feel
Like my own education wasn't truly real
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here, desperate in the cold
Since you took your life, mine has not been whole
Has not been whole
So there I stood a scolded child
The reasons never questioned my pains been filed
Inside this place that makes me feel
I learned life is unfair and that is very real
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here, desperate in the cold
Since you took you life, mine just has not been whole,
My life is just not whole,
My life is just not whole
While you try to overcome the lesson
Making the most of those questions that just keeps me guessing
I'm looking longer, harder, further than I ever have
Solitude breaking me down you always seemed glad
To let yourself and stick me in the little pit
Personal growth as a child that mattered not a bit
Then I became the member that you hated most
Disrespecting the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
A small example of what the things you've done to me
Have changed in my life and changed the things that I can't be
I'll never Be
Then you came right in, tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal?
I'm left standing here, desperate in the cold
since you took you life, mine just has not been whole
My life is just not whole
FIVE BOLT MAIN “The Gift”
Please explain a couple of things to me
How could you leave and then turn your back on me
if only we said goodbye, maybe then I would respect my life
in the end I am so ashamed of what you did
you said that you would never leave, I didn’t even see you go
you just up and turned your back on me, for reasons I will never know
now I am starring at an empty space, its the place that you used to be
and the look you see upon my face, is the gift from you to me
a haunting pain inside that lingers over me
this is not the way its supposed to be if only we said goodbye maybe then I would respect my life, in the end and I’m so ashamed of what you did
you said that you would never leave, I didn’t even see you go
you just up and turned your back on me, for reasons I will never know
now I am starring at an empty space, its the place that you used to be
and the look you see upon my face, is the gift from you to me
you made me what I am you made me what I am
you made me what I am you made me what I am
you said that you would never leave, I didn’t even see you go
you just up and turned your back on me, for reasons I will never know
now I am starring at an empty space, its the place that you used to be
and the look you see upon my face
is the gift from you to me
is the gift from you to me
The depths of my pain have never actually been plumed, even by me. I wish I could say that I am getting better but I think that may just be a lie. I am sorry if any of this is hurting you like it does me. I don’t wish this on anyone.
Dec. 3rd 2006
So I talked to Kalia earlier and let her know that I would not be making it out this evening. I want to be able to get my mind settled; I need to shut my demons up. Last night I go and bare most of my soul and tonight I can’t even bear to see her. What the hell is wrong with me? Not even 24hrs later and I am already screwing this all up, I could very well be on my way to losing her already, and I don’t even fully have her to lose.
Things are already spiraling out of control, and I have no clue what to do. If I can’t get it together I will end up losing everything. Can I really afford to destroy the one thing that has meaning for me right now? How is it that you can tell someone that you love them (even if you didn’t use those exact words) and in the next breath you turn away from them instead of opening yourself just a little more and allowing them the chance to help you? How is she going to take this affront? Will she be cold to me when I see her next? Can I really expect anything less? I guess I can’t fight my demons as well as I thought I could. I can already feel the walls going back up and Kalia still hasn’t gotten inside. She is so close but now I am already trying to push her away. As if I am not meant to be happy. Man I can fuck up a wet dream.
I can see it now, by the time this is all said and done she will hate me, and when it happens DS will no longer feel like a home to me and I will be alone once again. That pain though will be nothing compared to what I will feel if she completely walks away from me. Well I’m bringing this on myself, as always I am my own worst enemy. I’m sorry that I am so screwed up and I am glad that she isn’t reading this because if she knew just how bad I really was she would definitely walk away and I would never blame her. I hope that I’m wrong about her and how she will react, but no matter what I think there is no fixing this unless I actually get out of my head and get off my ass to go see her and apologize face to face.
I’m a COWARD, and I don’t even know if there is anything to fix. We were so close to saying things last night or maybe that was just me. Maybe I can talk to Fangs, see what he thinks. No this is something that I have to do on my own. I got myself into this mess and if I want things to work out then I have to be a man and deal with it all on my own. Why can’t I be happy, do I always have to try and destroy myself? Sometime tomorrow I will go and see her and then I will know exactly where we stand.
Later
So as I sat around feeling sorry for myself I went and wrote her a letter… You know one of those letters that explains it all so that way I don’t have to actually talk.
Dearheart
First and foremost I want to apologize for running away, we spent what I thought was a beautiful night together, sharing our feelings for each other and then I bailed on you completely. This is not how I wanted our relationship to start, and I will not be upset if you decide that you don’t want to deal with me right now. I am distraught and not sure what it is that I am doing, it seems that if I’m not careful though I’ll only end up hurting you and losing out on my one chance of happiness… I’m truly sorry, running seems to be my forte, and right now I’m trying really hard not to do just that while you are reading this… There are so many things that I still haven’t said to you… Words that I have not said to any other person ever. Please don’t hate me yet, don’t hate me at all. Come find me when you are done so that way we can talk…
Yours Forever
Damien
Not my best writing but I think that I got my point across, now though I just have to get up the nerve to go see her and give it to her.
Dec. 4th 2006
So my evening went well, I am still alive and that is a good thing. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to go see her and give her the letter. I guess I am growing up a little. After she read it I was grabbed into this almost bone crushing embrace and she told me that I was being silly and that she didn’t hate me, couldn’t hate me really. I may not completely believe her but I melted right then and there, hell I almost cried. The feelings were almost overwhelming. I have no idea what I have done to deserve her but it must have been something good for this type of karma.
So where exactly does that leave us, well I don’t know. We have some sort of relationship that defies description and I am left with more questions than answers, that is all my life seems to be about now and for once I am ok with it.
Unfortunately part of this new turmoil with more questions than answers stems from the fact that I went and did the one thing that I told myself I wasn’t going to do. I went and told her I loved her. I whispered it into her hair as she was holding me, and I know she heard me… Take it slow, no pressure, that is what I wanted, what WE wanted and with those 3 words I think I pissed all of it right out the window. Even though she didn’t say anything I know how she feels about me, her actions speak louder than any word or words ever could. If I was smart I would have done the same, just let my actions do all the talking and keep my mouth shut. Here I am the one that doesn’t like to talk or share really letting my mouth get me into trouble all over again. This time though there is no offer of slavery or anything of the sort. We just sat there holding each other for a while longer. Leaving me to wonder what a naïve young man, BOY really is doing here with her surrounded by MEN. Which then makes me wonder what Fangs and Nigel are thinking about all of this.
Well here I am coming off like the needy co-dependant freak. Let me just tell you all now, I am not as bad as I sound but since none of you know me then you won’t believe me either.
We didn’t talk to much after that and then we headed out to where Fangs and Nigel were, overseeing the Club construction. Which was going along pretty quick, then again I guess Vampires have a different work schedule than normal people. I even met someone new, Tannith is her name and she is one of those beautiful souls packed into this small package of energy. She and I hit it off right away, especially when it came to our taste in music.
See I told you she was a cutey. While we were chatting it up about music and stuff Nigel decided to Djing requests. We were making impromptu club play lists, which was fun but not the highlight of the evening. That happened when Kalia decided to recite the words to Bilingual by Jose Nunez to me…
I will just tell you that you should look it up so that way you understand why it is that I stopped dancing and just stood there mouth hanging open with Nigel and Tannith laughing at me.
So in regards to the whole US question, all I can say is that I’m happy with everything so far and I am not going to rock the boat. Let’s see where things go from here and let it progress however it has too.
Dec. 6th 2006
Except for a quick stop into DS yesterday I have not been around to see anyone. That is probably why my head has gone where it has. I have had too much time left with my demons, unregulated time, which is never good.
So here is a question to anyone that actually reads this, have you ever just felt totally LOST? Sometimes that is exactly how I feel and I can’t seem to get out from under the funk that it puts me in. Right now is exactly what I mean, I am feeling lost. Not about Kalia really, or DS and the friends that I have made so far, just lost in general.
Silence, turns me around.
I am not used to it.
The Demons hunger
Is what I need
When the jaws close around me
Will anyone be there to save me?
When I start feeling lost I get dark and weird also…
Words flung out like razors
Cutting ribbons of flesh
I let the blood flow freely
Allowing myself the time to enjoy the pain
The drops fall and the Demons howl
All I can do is smile…
That’s when I just let the words take over…
When my chest rips open
And my heart falls out
Will you be there to mend me
Or will you just stand there and laugh with everyone else?
Allowing the demons free reign…
I take all the pain and anger inside
Internalize and let it eat me up
Regurgitating the bits and pieces of myself
That no one wants to see
Just for you and your amusement
Letting whatever comes to mind just flow freely…
Time stops when you are around
But my pain is never-ending
I choke on the words that would be your undoing
Because I am afraid to be alone
Hopefully allowing the poison to find an exit and not let it fester inside of me. See I have had this feeling of getting punched in the gut all day, you know like when you get called to the principals office and you have no idea why. I don’t know if it’s because I will be seeing Kalia again after a few days or what, but if this is how it’s always going to be then I need to do something. I can’t keep acting like a lovesick puppy dog around her all the time.
Maybe I really am having withdrawals, I have never once been physically sick by not being around someone. I am so anxious to go see her later and if I don’t get a grip on how I feel right now then I will end up acting just like I always do. Wow can I be anymore immature about things? I need to step back and allow my feelings to run their course, find the happy place and stop the yo-yo effect that I have been on lately. If I don’t calm down then I will end up smothering her or chasing her away, or both.
Dec. 7th 2006
So before I went to see her I decided to do some shopping for new clothes etc. Before I was even done shopping she called me to see if I was coming over. I went over to her place and we talked and meditated for a while then she started to feel sick (I never knew Vampires could feel sick, then again what does anyone really know about them) so we retired to the couch and I just laid there holding her. Me the big Protector, I got to be the Knight in Shining Armor after all. Once I saw that she was resting comfortably I slipped off the couch and decided to do some more writing since my mind would not stop. The Demons even made sure to make an appearance; that was when I decided to call Nigel and talk to him about what the hell was going on inside my head. He seemed to be the best person to speak with at the moment since he has known Kalia longer. If things hadn’t have moved so fast with us I know that I would not be so mentally messed up right now, as it stands though my head is fucked and that leaves me wide open to get blindsided. I never expected to find her, or have anything like this happen to me.
Talking to him allowed me to get some perspective on what is going on, and it also let me know that the letter that I had written before calling him would actually be given to her. You see earlier in the evening she had asked me to just tell her what I needed to because she could feel that there was something on my mind. At the time though I didn’t know it, I really didn’t see it until later. I hate being so emotionally stunted sometimes; it makes it hard to connect really. Once I handed over the letter though I hauled ass. Nice to know that I can stay true to form.
As usual it was easier to run than it was to stay and deal with the confrontation, or feelings associated with the letter. Soon though running will not be an option, because if I run to much more I most likely will no longer have anything to run from. I can’t expect her to keep dealing with my emotional shortcomings. I will have to man up and just deal with whatever comes. That is definitely easier to type out than it will be to do I fear.
I bet you all would love to know what that letter said, but this is one time that I am not sharing, it was strictly for her eyes only. Although I will gift you with the shot of a lifetime for me so far…
Like I said, the Knight in Shining Armor… It really was a fantastic evening.
Dec. 8th 2006
Even after last night I can’t seem to get over my own issues with self-doubt. Which does nothing but allow the demons free reign over my thoughts and words. It never fails when I am feeling happy I start thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong, and more often than not I will find some way to make any one of those things happen, just to prove myself right. My way of having an out, that way I can’t or won’t blame myself for what happened. This time though I don’t want an out, I refuse to let this go the way my past relationships have gone. Unfortunately the poison is seeping through and I have to let it out somewhere or I will end up damaging myself even further.
My heart breaks every time I walk away, leaving myself with more questions.
I look at you never wanting to leave but knowing that it is really what is right.
Hearing your voice is like music in the night, soothing me to sleep.
Dreaming the dreams of the happy.
No matter what I want there are always doubts…
I walk alone, never looking where I am.
All I want is to get away.
The farther I go the closer you become.
The feuding sides of who I am…
Who am I?
Why are you here?
Why do you care about me?
What makes me different from the others?
Always questions, never ending without sufficient answers, so why do I ask?
Always wanting one thing, yet somehow preparing for the other…
Three little words
With all the power in the world
I Love you
I Hate You
Both of them hurt.
Am I good enough?
Would you ever talk to me as I have to you?
Would you share with me as I have with you?
Do you care for me as I care for you?
Someday I hope to know, for now though I will let these words out and hopefully allow the poisons to recede. It never fails, no mater what I feel as long as I can get it out onto paper I know that things will get better. This is my therapy and anyone that reads this well consider yourself my therapist.
Dec. 9th 2006 Early Morning
Well I just got back from a shopping trip with Kalia, where I also met her Brother Blackie. Now I am not sure if he is blood related or if she meant brother Vampire or what. I just don’t understand the whole family thing between any of them at the moment. That though isn’t what I really wanted to talk about even if Blackie seemed to like me and also seemed happy for her as well.
As you can tell my mind seems to be a bit messed up and even if that is almost a natural state for me, it doesn’t mean I always like it. While we were shopping etc Kalia came across something that she really liked for me and then gave me the money to buy it.
That actually made me angry and ashamed. I have been poor all my life and we lived on hand me downs, goodwill etc… So I looked at it like I was some sort of charity case and I told her as much when I refused to take her money. Lets just say that the look she gave me was less than pleasant and I was told in no uncertain terms that this was not charity or anything of the sort. She liked it and wanted me to have it, she just didn’t think that I would accept it as a gift so she wanted me to buy it myself. During this Blackie just smirked at me and shook his head, I even think he made some sort of comment but it was to low for me to hear.
Standing there chastised and embarrassed all I could do was nod and say thank you. It left me even more messed up though because I am not used to anyone doing things like that for me. I am not sure what to expect nor do I feel worthy enough to have her do it. I am beginning to see that she never does anything without reason so I will just have to trust that she knows better than I do. Considering my track record with women and my obvious lack of understanding relationships how could she not.
The words that spill forth out of me when I am alone sure do paint an ugly picture of obsession, depression, and loneliness that really makes me look bad. I may have said this before but it bears repeating, I am not co-dependant, or needy. I just know that if I sit staring into my head to much things can and usually do get dark and ugly.
I think I am going to take the rest of the day off from DS and Kalia etc. I will get some work done and just spend some time with the living as it were.
Dec. 10th 2006
Another night down and I am no closer to understanding what is going on then I was before. Tonight Fangs is throwing a party, and I have no idea what the occasion is or if there even is one. At the moment though I am spending even more time by myself, walking and thinking about nothing in general. I came down here to Kalia’s meditation area to try and straighten out my head a bit, since if you couldn’t tell I have not been in the most sociable of moods lately. Its not working but I will try and keep the happy face in place for the evening. Well I am out of here, seems that Kalia is already here and well you know how it is…
Later
So the party was a success I guess, if you could call it that by the amount of people that were there. We had Tannith who I made sure to say hey to since I inadvertently snubbed her earlier when I was in my mood, we also had Fangs and Kalia, Roblem, Tohru, Daffs, Ajax, and a new friend of Fangs Trajax I believe his name was. Nigel was nowhere to be seen but the music was still fantastic and we all danced and danced, I tried my best to just lose myself in the music. I even attempted some silliness when NiN’s “Closer” came on, yeah you guessed it I sang it to her word for word. Consider it my revenge for the Bilingual song… That was when she started losing clothing again and this time I did just like Nigel told me to, I joined right in.
She is so amazing though, I feel inadequate whenever I am around her. All I know though is that she finds me interesting enough to keep around and as I have said I still don’t really know why that is. I am nothing special, hell I am not even a Vampire, nor am I anywhere as cool as the other men that have had to have been in her life before me.
I am just re working all of Damien's Story... Not that anyone really cares anyways.
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Damien Legend said:
Hey you are the one that sent it to me though. *pouts* here I thought it was you all this... read more
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eep. -squint- dahling..methinks that is Ivey. -grins and winks- read more
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